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What Exactly is Sex Therapy?

10/16/2018

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Talking about what happens, or frankly what doesn’t happen, in the bedroom can be overwhelming for many couples; but sexuality is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Between kids, full time jobs, and the general stresses of life, it can be hard for couples to connect behind closed doors. With a limited or poor sex life, couples often find their relationships strained. The lack of intimacy can spill over into your daily conversations and actions, causing partners to become distant. If you feel stuck in this cycle, it may be time to see a sex therapist.

Just Like Any Other Therapy

Contrary to popular belief, sex therapy is just like any other form of therapy. There is nothing kinky or shameful about it. If you or your partner has erectile dysfunction, a low libido, or simply never feels in the mood, a sex therapist will offer a safe, comforting space for you to work through your problems. Sex therapy is not too different from your typical marriage and family counseling. It is usually a form a of psychotherapy that takes into account physical issues. Psychiatrists can help you break down the emotional issues that may be causing physical problems, such as erectile dysfunction. By getting to the root of the problem, a sex therapist can guide you to extinguish the major sexual issues you are facing.

Conversation is Key    ​

When it comes to sexual health, many people are afraid to talk about their issues, even with their own partners. This is where a therapist can step in to help. If you are having sex with your partner but are still leaving unfulfilled, it is important you explain your emotional issues to your partner. This can be a difficult conversation to have, especially after years of marriage. A sex therapist can help you and your partner set up an open line of communication, so you can confidently discuss each others needs. 

​A sex therapist may also help you become more mindful and aware in the bedroom. After years of marriage, sex can seem like a chore, when in reality, it should be a sensual shared experience that connects you and your partner. Through mindfulness training, you will learn to become more present in the bedroom. Instead of worrying about your next project at work or what you will cook for dinner, a sex therapist will help you clear your mind, so you can focus on your partner. When mindfulness and open communication combine, your sexual relationship will flourish, and hopefully that success will bleed into other aspects of your shared life.

More Than Just Talking

When you decide to visit a sex therapist, their first step is typically to talk to you and your partner separately to pinpoint the major problems in your relationship. This is an important hurdle to jump over, because at the start, partners may feel insecure talking about their kinks, or lack thereof, in front of each other. Your therapists will also talk about your history. Were your parents close, have you ever been sexually assaulted or abused? These questions will help dig into your emotional walls. But don’t expect a sexual therapy session to just be a long talk about your feelings. Although it is important to break those barriers, once you have reached a comfortable emotional space, your therapist may start assigning you sexual homework. 

Your therapist will not recommend a wild task, like getting involved in a threesome. Instead, they might have you sit in front of each other naked. It might seem silly, since you’ve probably seen each other naked over the years, but this time your therapist might suggest you really look at each other in your most vulnerable state. This will help connect you mentally and physically. Once you get over a small hurdle like this, your therapist may offer more sensual exercises, including light touching. The goal of these homework assignments are not to make you feel forced together, but rather to make you and your partner comfortable with each other. The end goal is these exercises should naturally lead to sex. 

​If you feel like your poor sex life is affecting your relationship, a sex therapist may be able to help you. These professional sessions will be a deep, emotional rollercoaster, but if you stick it out, a therapist may be able to save your marriage.

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4 Ways to Rekindle Intimacy in a Relationship

10/9/2018

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After years of marriage, caring for kids, and demanding careers, it's easy for couples to fall into a routine. Experiencing the same unremarkable cycle everyday can cause a strain on couples, and could ultimately lead to divorce. According to researchers, most couples have an intimate and passionate “honeymoon phase” for roughly two years.  After that time, many couples start to become complacent with each other. If you have found yourself in that rutt, there are ways out of the cycle, starting with the bedroom.

Revitalize Your Sexual Chemistry

When you become so busy with life’s stressors, it's easy to push your sexual relationship aside. There are so many easy excuses to come up with, “I’m tired. The kids with hear. I have a meeting in the morning,” and the list goes on. If you want to revitalize that spark in the bedroom, a good place to start is by simply making your sexual relationship a priority.  There are limitless ways to put your sexual relationship first, but the easiest starting point is simply flirting. Flirting can happen at almost any time, and you don’t have to be at home, alone to do it. You can send sexy and fun text messages, or softly touch your partner as they walk by. These flirtatious acts will pump up the sexual tension, and help your chemistry.

Regain an Emotional Connection

Although sexual intimacy is important in relationships, an emotional connection is the bond that will keep your marriage from falling apart. If you and your partner argue frequently, or simply don’t talk at all besides the necessary arrangements, it is important for you to simply start talking again. If you want to regain your emotional connection, start with a daily listening session. Take time after dinner or before bed to sit down, just the two of you, and really talk. Start off with how your day went, and naturally the conversation will flow into your stressors at work, what is bothering you deep down, and what you feel like you are missing in live. By having your partner listen to all your daily baggage, you will feel a weight off your shoulders. You will know your partner is there by your side to help you carry the load. This connection will link you two emotionally.

Start Having Fun Together

Remember when you were young, and it felt like you two against the world? You don’t have to lose that now that you have a family. Instead of spending all your time in the house together, schedule some date time outdoors. Go for a hike together, or if you aren’t a nature couple, go walk around your local mall. Try going on dates to restaurants you would have never tried before. See a movie or schedule a surprise date all together. Whatever you do doesn’t have to flashy or expensive. It's not about the quantity of the date, it's all about the quality. As long as you and your partner are having fun and laughing, your day out will be a success.

Experience Therapy Together

If by the time you’re reading this, you think your relationship is too far gone for these methods to work alone, don’t give up hope just yet. As long as both you and your partner are willing to put in the time and effort, couples therapy may be your saving grace. Therapists and counsellors at the Oakville Wellness Center may be able to help your relationship get back to the good days. Couples therapy sessions usually revolve around the same principles as above, sexual, emotional, and physical relationships. However, a therapist ensures you are not alone during your journey to revitalize your marriage. If your marriage has been on a rocky road for a while, rekindling the fire isn’t as easy as it sounds. A marriage counselor is there to talk you through the tough times, and ultimately help you and your partner find each other again.
Relationships are tough and messy, but also beautiful, loving and supportive. It can be easy for couples to lose themselves in life’s daily routine. If you feel this way, don’t lose hope. Reach out to your partner, and together, you can find love again.
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Are the Five Love Languages Real?

10/2/2018

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Gary Chapman’s book Five Love Languages was a popular read back when it came out in 1995. In fact the ideas the book contains are very accessible doesn’t make them any less valuable when it comes to applying the concepts to our relationships. 

The essence of Chapman’s ideas are as follows. There are five basic ways that people understand and express love. They are: 
  1. Words of Affirmation: Loving terms of endearment are expressed through praise, appreciation or affectionate words.
  2. Acts of Service:  Small acts of kindness are performed without necessarily saying anything. 
  3. Receiving Gifts:  Giving gifts is used as a way of expressing love and affection. 
  4. Quality Time:  Affection and love are expressed by sharing undivided attention and time spent doing shared activities. 
  5. Physical Touch:  Hand-holding, kissing, and sex are all ways of expressing love. 

Most of Us Prefer One Love Language

Most people prefer one or two of these languages and feel most comfortable when expressing affection using their favourite methods, though most people have experienced or used several at some point.

If you’re not sure which of these languages is your go-to method for communicating affection to your partner, there’s a quick quiz on the Five Languages website that you can take to see what your dominant language is. What is even more useful, though, is to also have your significant other take the quiz. You’ll quickly realize that if you don’t speak the same love language there are times when you probably feel a bit misunderstood or under-appreciated.

​If, for example, you’ve spent a lot of time selecting a special present for someone while you were on a trip and then notice that same present is still in the box the next time you come to visit, you may feel hurt that the recipient hasn’t placed the gift in a prominent spot. In fact, it could simply be that the recipient doesn’t place a lot of value on giving and receiving gifts. Instead, going for a walk and sharing stories of your travels might be more meaningful to this particular person.

Nurture Your Relationship by Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language

Nurturing your love relationships can be a little easier when you understand which love language your partner speaks. Someone who puts a lot of value on thoughtful gifts may well feel slighted when their birthday rolls around if you provide a voucher that offers to take out the garbage when it’s not your turn. For this person, that fancy new sweater they’ve been dropping hints about for weeks might have been the key to unlocking their heart.

The Love Languages Are Used All the Time

While many people turn to the five languages of love when they are thinking about their primary romantic relationships, thinking about the needs of others in these terms is helpful no matter what kind of relationship you share. Understanding how you react and communicate in different situations can be really helpful when it comes to asking for what you need to feel comfortable, valued, and appreciated at work, as a parent, or as a friend. It can also be very useful to acknowledge and accept that the other person just doesn’t roll the same way you do.

Love Languages Not Just a Nice Idea

Given that the love languages make a lot of sense intuitively speaking, it’s interesting to see that there is also some social science research that supports some of Chapman’s theories. 
Giving Gifts
Gift-giving, for example, is believed to provide a tangible way of acknowledging how one feels towards another person. An interesting way to combine languages is to give the gift of an experience, which taps into both the psychology of gift-giving (and receiving) and the language of quality time. 
Quality Time
Quality time means really paying attention to the person you are with, whether or not you are engaged in a shared activity. That process of taking the time to do something together does seem to matter when it comes to maintaining healthy, close relationships. 
Physical Touch 
If you took a general psychology course somewhere along the line you’ll remember the heart-rending experiments that deprived baby primates of contact with their mother. Given only a wire-framed form to cling to, the infants that had no physical touch languished. It turns out that humans also seem to be hard-wired to need physical touch. It’s no wonder that this language is one that people generally seem to understand and recognize as being important, even if it doesn’t wind up scoring highest in their language profile. 
Words of Affirmation 
Explicitly stating positive messages - whether in writing or by telling someone something positive can improve brain function and self-affirmation can help individuals stay focussed and balanced through challenging times. 
Acts of Service
Doing a good deed makes both the doer and the recipient feel good. Dr. Rosser-Majors of Majors Leadership says that “…unselfish service inspires people… to go beyond, to aspire.” In turn, being the best version of ourselves makes it possible to nurture our primary relationships. 

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